We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.
__ Winston Churchill
If you've ever been in a relationship, especially marriage, you know one certain thing that arguments are unavoidable. However, some couples find arguments miserable; some find arguments necessary; some even find arguments enjoyable.
So what makes a difference for an argument's outcome. In this article, we will explore the nature of arguments, and how to make arguments as desirable and productive as possible for both sides. 1) Different Information Received An argument is usually steered into a wrong direction because each side does not have adequate information, or even worse, have different information Solution. You need to share your collected information with other side and ask them to share theirs. Then both sides can cross check the information to look for flaws and discrepancies. 2) Different Interpretation Even when all information is on the table, both side may still have different interpretation. With a glass that has half water, one may say it's half full, while another may say it's half empty. Solution. First, you should listen to other side's interpretation first. The reason why is because it allows you to revise yours if necessary. Then you can openly share your interpretation to help both sides come into an agreement. 3) Different Self-understanding When an argument arises, each side usually assume they understand other side's feelings/intentions. The fact is we simply can't fully understand other people's thinking. Also, you are the one that understand yourself the best, but it does not mean you fully understand yourself. Solution. a) take time to reflect and understand yourself better, and list out your values b) make your thinking explicit by sharing it with your partner, and ask your partner to share theirs. Remember, the key is to uncover hidden self-perspective that is beneficial to everyone involved. Putting Together. To give you a full real example, I had argument with my wife a couple days ago. She wanted to open an online business selling hair pins. She then shared her ideas with me including some number figures. Since she did not show me any solid tangible papers, I dismissed her idea, and it caused an argument. If I could travel back in time, I would do the followings: a) Ask how my wife got her information. I then would do some research on my own and share it with her. b) Ask her how she would interpret all data and share my interpretation. c) Ask her how she would reflect herself on the project, and I would share my thoughts on the project as well. See? We cannot say with certainty that by doing these steps, the argument could be avoided. However, a lesser tension and a better outcome are almost guaranteed. Go apply these principles when you encounter an argument, and I promise, you will not regret. Happy Living, The Kid
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Most humans have a sentimental partner at some point. It can be a lover, a soulmate, a best friend, or simply a pet. Naturally, it's always fun to have another person, who shares your interest, hobby, or point of view.
This article, however, challenges the traditional path of seeking same personality in relationship. In other words, this article will emphasize the benefits of having a life partner with an opposite personality. 1) It Challenges The Beginning of A Relationship. Reading this makes you feel like it's a crazy idea to be with someone who has a completely opposite relationship, especially in the early stage of a relationship. However, if we think about this carefully, many relationships start out with an easy path of sharing a common interest. The couple then eventually encounters a big hurdle, and they are probably less prepared than a couple who encounters the first big obstacle of different/opposite personality in the very beginning. In short, by having difficulty building up connection in the beginning, the couple with opposite personality are more resistant to future challenges. 2) It Improves The Couple's Diversity View. Similar to the concept of diversity in workplace, couples with different/opposite points of view have a better mix of skills, knowledge, and interest. Hence, couple with opposite personality have better chances of filling/fixing each other's needed weaknesses. 3) It Makes The Relationship More Fun/Interesting. One of the most common reasons why people cheat is because their partner is no longer "fun". Do you find yourself feeling bored when a person agrees with you on almost anything? Do you feel your relationship lacks an adventurous element without a little debate once a while? That's right! Having a partner with an opposite personality help you maintain that special "spice" throughout your relationship. This article is not meant to downplay couples with same/similar personality, but rather to emphasize that opposite-personality couples have their own unique strength too. Maybe after reading this article, that "annoying" person you met the other night might become your next dating candidate. Happy Living, The Kid It is human nature that we want others to listen to us, to understand, and to empathize with us. However, there are certain topics that many couples want to avoid, or even feel ashamed of bringing it up to their life-long partner. Below are the most avoided, if not urgent topics, that many couples avoid:
1) Money. This is the number one topic that couples dislike to discuss. What I mean here is not simply talks about who would pay a for a date dinner, but rather long-term financial discussions about savings, retirement, children's financial planning, etc. To avoid falling into this pitfall, you can start sharing your own finance with your partner, in order to make them feel comfortable first to share theirs. 2) Sex. It is true that sex is not everything in the relationship, but without satisfied sex, a relationship will more likely to tumble. Many of us are ashamed to talk about sex with our partner because we are afraid of their judgement, or we think our partner will consider us as weird or freaky. The way to avoid this is to be open-minded and focus on the other side's feelings instead of ours first during the conversations, especially the first few ones. 3) Children. We are all born to have the right of making/adopting children. It is critical that couples clearly understand other side's ideology, or better yet, agree on a unified view about children. Topics can range from children timing, numbers of children, raising standards, etc. Remember folks, if you cannot discuss children with your partner, it is very likely you cannot raise your children together the way both you of want. 4) Each Side's Family. It is very common that dramas happen for both family sides of a couple. The worst thing you can do is to say "it's not my business". Healthy couples bring up side family topics to seek counseling and empathy from the others. Remember to not shy away from this topic as most couples, if not all , had and/or will have a side family eventually. By no mean, this post is all inclusive of all the topics that couples need to bring up on the table. Nonetheless, this should give you a head start or at least a rough list of topics that you may want to discuss in your meal together. Happy Living, The Kid For a regular couple, sex is simply essential. It helps couples bond together. It reduces stress. It is fun and adventurous. Nonetheless, instead of having joyful experience, many couple struggles with sex. It became boring, burdensome, or even annoying to them. Below are crucial tips that may dramatically improve your sex life and relationship:
1) Time. Take a look at your week calendar first. In general, you want to avoid having sex the day before a long week, which is usually Sunday night. Also, around 9-11 PM or ideal time. Having sex too early in the evening will make you stay up a lot longer and do random things, which reduces level of romance. Or having sex past 11 PM is simply exhausting for most people (unless you are both night owls). Mornings before 8-9 AM is also good. Morning sex can be done Sunday morning, which gives you both enough time and rest, cuddle, and recover afterward. 2) Environment. For temperature, aim around 60-65 F degrees (15-18 C degrees). This allows maximum comfort, not too cold, not too hot since you're both, likely, to be naked. Sound is important too. Music should be mild and type should depend on your mood. Bedroom is likely to be the main place, but please be creative (as long as your landlord does not mind, if applicable). Kitchen, bathroom, or living room is not out of your reach. If you use "supplemental tools", make sure they are clean and appropriate. 3) Discussion. Don't be shy discussing sex with your partner. I was shy in the first year, but it helped a lot to say things directly: favorite positions, favorite toys, dirty talking, etc. If you are open-minded, your sex life will very likely to fantastic. Remember, sex is supposed to please all parties. I have opened this topic since I know many of us do not like to discuss/share our private life. You do not have to do it with me or public, but be sure discuss it with your partner. Happy Mating, The Kid Most "happy" couples claim they do everything together: go to vacation together, spend weekends together, exercise together (whether at the gym, outdoor, or "in bed"), etc. If you are one of these couples, I get it! It's fun and validating to be together all the times, especially in the dating phase. Nonetheless, there are few reasons why being together too much is a systematic problem:
1) Harder to Get Out. Many studies confirmed the more a couple spend time together, the harder they can get out of a (toxic) relationship due to sunk-cost fallacy (belief of investing too much time, money, and effort already without exit); and more importantly, they tend to hurt each other more during/after relationship when difficulties happen. For example, if I and my partner spends 90% time together, and I cheat on my partner, there is a higher chance she will revenge or sabotage me comparing with spending 50% time together. 2) Running Out of Ideas. I remember I used to have one thousands ideas where we should go, what we should do, what gift I should buy for my partner. Eventually, I ran out of ideas. If you are a creative genius, fine. If you are not, staying together too much will reduce quality of your time together. 3) Lost of Freedom. In a relationship, each party is a human after all so you need time taking care of/improving yourself such as reading, chatting with best friend(s), calling mom/dad in private, etc. I personally have a female BFF and my partner has a male BFF. In the beginning, my partner or I would be jealous when the other spends time with BFF. After we accepted the reality of freedom, we became more happy and grateful for each other. 4) Relationship Test. It is true that when you stay together, you will learn more about each other. However, what will happen if you learn enough about him/her. Do you wonder, without you, would he/she still exercise regularly? Or would he/she still continue doing housework? Spending separate is another way of learning about each other and of testing if the relationship would last if the two spends a couple hours away from another. Now, you have mastered another aspect of relationship. Time to step up and offer the other to spend some time separately (the other might have the same idea, but probably is afraid of being the first one offering). Remember, I am not saying staying together is bad. I am arguing spending some time separately is beneficial. Happy Loving, The Kid You bought some flowers (or a personalized gift, preferably). You polished your appearance. You imagined how the night will go; how impressive she/he will be with your funny stories. Nonetheless, after the dinner was done, you've realized the picture you had in your mind was not accurate, or perhaps, on the opposite end. Below are the few unconventional traps/tricks you might want to consider before your first date:
1) Ask "That Question". No, no! I don't mean the classic proposal question(s). What I imply is "What is your ideal partner?". In many cases, I see couples are afraid of asking this question (I suspect they feel odd asking). Nevertheless, asking this question will show your seriousness (not too extreme), and your deep thought about future commitment. Also, avoid asking too deep in work, family, and background (especially if the other had a not-so-pretty past). The other should be the star for the night, but not subject to interrogation. 2) Avoid Discussing Controversial Topics. Your goal is to build common ground (assuming not faking, and you're genuinely interested on the other). Classic controversial topics, for example, are politics, sensitive religions, and movies. Please do not talk about movies. Many couples think movies are neutral topics until they find out how terrible their taste is (from other's perspective). Traveling is a very good topic since most people are very proud of where they've been to and are eager to share. 3) Order The Same Food. No matter one an engineer and the other is an artist. If you order the same food with your dating partner, you will (1) have at least 1 topic to discuss during meal (2) you can try the other's taste (3) you show your effort and open-mindedness. Please be cautious, I'm suggesting this only if you are able to consume the food you order. 4) Visit The Place Ahead. In many instances, the date is simply ruined because you've found a 5-Yelp-Star place, and it turns out to be a total disaster. If you are 100% committed into the first date, please pay a physical visit before the "night". Go inside and try the food, build relationship with the servers/owners (tip them $2 bills, they will remember you forever). Now, I hope you have uncovered some myths in dating and are ready and confident. These listed points work well for men, but still are very effective for women. Happy Dating, The Kid I've been in relationship with my lady for almost 10 years. It has recently became difficult to buy a perfect gift for her. Welp! Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's, anniversary, international women day, etc. Amazon became helpless; auction on Ebay for rare items is a game of luck. What can I do now?
Suddenly, many of my clients also ask me for help with "giftology 101". I could not help but confessed that I'm facing the same issue. Finally, a couple months ago, I figured out how win your loves ones' heart and improve your relationship with them: Appreciation. For humans, there are three main factors that urge our actions: social, economic, and moral. In sincere relationship, economic and moral have a smaller influence while social is highly rated. It means your loved ones desire recognition. If you buy, make, or just say something showing your appreciation, it's the greatest gift on Earth. In my case, I knew my lady loves gardening and she had always been complaining about my lack of skill in such simple aspect. I did some research on Google, found a list of plants for beginners (I chose green onions). I secretly implemented my gardening project in the back yard and on the desired occasion, I cooked a simple meal with my hand-made vegetables. Oh boy! She loved my dish, not because of the taste (ew!), but the effort I put in trying to understand her passion. Also, I gave her credits for being a good chef and a great partner. The same concept can be applied toward father, mother, Thanksgiving, etc. Make sure you sincerely express your appreciation. Try this method, it is cheap (or free), effective, and simple! Happy Living, The Kid You go on date after date. You polish your profile on Tinder. Your best friend hooks you up with another cutie. But how do you know she/he is the ONE? Would it be nice if you have something in your pocket to measure the possibility in terms of quantity?
I know, I know... We cannot use equation to measure humans because it is not enough. But it is not too bad if you can use some math to back up your decision if you want to apply something scientific? At least for me and surely many others, yes. Here we go. According to a Human Behavior Expert, Eric Barker, let's assume you know 100 people who you can potentially date. You then decide to date 10 of them. Later, you pick the best of these 10 and store it in your memory. All people you date after, if he/she is better than this "best", you probably found your soulmate. Here is a quick recap: 1) List all possible dating candidates. 2) Date some or all of them. 3) Identify the best one. 4) Keep dating until you find another person who is better than "the best one". Happy Loving, The Kid |
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